I want you to see the positive in others, in situations, and in yourself.
I want you to be kind when you criticize, season your scepticism with hope, and help people climb higher instead of knocking them down.
I want you to see and think about things and people this way, even thought it won’t always come naturally or be easy to do so. I know from experience, it’s something I still struggle with every day.
We won’t start with Theodore Roosevelt, but I’ll get to the quote you might suspect is coming. First, I want to tell you a story about a classmate I met in grad school. I’d gone home for the summer and my roommate (Sam) spent much of it hanging out with a guy who’d just started school. We’ll call him Alex. That’s not his name, but we’re going to call him that. I met Alex at at flag football game and couldn’t believe how excited he was about everything. And I mean everything.
Alex was fast, strong, and looked like a college athlete. He could outrun almost anyone, but was still somehow terrible at flag football. It was as if he’d never played sports before. He would drop almost any ball you threw him, and yet somehow never get down on himself. He had such a positive outlook, he was for sure going to catch the next one, every time. And when he dropped the next one, he was going to catch the one after that. And so on and so on. He never caught the next one, but he also never gave up thinking he would.
After the game, Sam and I wondered how someone so athletic could be so bad at flag football. We talked about how amped he’d been about everything, and I wondered aloud if he was always like that. Sam said something like “Alex isn’t like you. You’re a hater. He’s a lover.” And by that he meant that Alex saw the positive potential in situations, in others, and himself. Conversely, he also implied something about me.
20 years later, I still remember that conversation. It turns out that Sam didn’t mean that I was cruel, or that I hated people. Rather, when I asked him about it, he said, “You are a funny person...and calling out flaws and things people would term as "hating" on them can be quite funny.” So I didn’t hate people, but I hated on them.
Which is true. We’ll get to the idea of hating as being funny below. But there’s another truth here that Sam touched on without realizing, and that’s best captured by Gore Vidal. He said, “Every time a friend succeeds I die a little.” I’m pretty sure that’s true for everyone, or at least for anyone that has any aspirations of their own. And as ashamed as I am to admit it, it’s certainly true for me. Because while Sam might have intended his comment only in reference to quips and jokes, I also died a little every time my friends succeed.
And as your friends find success, you’ll also feel that stab of jealousy. The key is to realize it, feel it, and then deal with it and go love and support them. That’s what I’ve tried to do. And I encourage you to do the same. Cheer them on, even if their victory means you don’t win, especially when their victory comes at a cost to you. Your friend might take your starting spot on a team, their contest entry could beat out yours, or the girl you’re crushing on might like them instead of you. Cheer for them anyway. Celebrate their happiness as if it’s your own. Because in celebrating their victory, you’ll feel like you’ve also won.
And here comes the Teddy Roosevelt. “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
The doer of deeds deserves the credit and your respect. Especially when that person is your friend. I also hope that you find yourself in that ring, doing deeds and valiantly striving. But that also means you’ll sometimes fail. Don’t be a dick about it when you do. If you fail and find that celebrating someone else’s success is too hard, start with acknowledging their victory. Then try congratulations. Work your way up to celebrations. You’ll get there.
What about throwing shade? This isn’t a column where I lie to you about who I am, so I’ll admit that I still hate a little. As much as I try to love everything my friends do, support their creative endeavors, and be excited when they succeed, some people do silly things. Or some things they do seem silly to me. And when someone does something like that, I struggle to bite my tongue.
I shoot for somewhere between getting a laugh (in good fun) and hurting feelings (because I’m not a monster). But as much as I try to save the sharpest barbs for the thickest skin, I have misjudged how well some people could take a joke. Be careful with your words; they can cut deeper than the switchblade your grandmother wouldn’t buy me when I was eight.
But on that subject, is mocking others a personal shortcoming? Does that count as hating? I started with maybe, but as I’ve written this entry, I’ve decided it is. And I can’t tell you something is wrong if I intend to keep doing it.
To be fair to myself, I’m not out there spewing the kind of hatred and vitriol you find in the darker corners of the internet. I also plan to raise you better than that and don’t expect I need to tell you not to threaten people you disagree with, insult their mothers, or call them (or their mothers) cocksuckers.
I’m talking about a kinder kind of hating. Again, between getting a laugh and hurting feelings. Still, as I’m writing this advice for you, I’m also writing a note for myself. On my list of 2021 goals, I added a 5a: Hate softer, love harder. Because I’m not going to give up talking trash about dumb things, but I’ve never intended to bring others down or hurt their feelings. I’m going to make a conscious effort to go easy on people, poke fun a little easier, and make sure I’m loving on my friends a little harder. Your Dad’s not perfect, but he’s out here trying his best.
So, love as hard as you can. Hate as gently as you can. And try not to call people “cocksuckers.”
I love you,
Dad
I originally planned to finish this series in twelve months, intending to write one entry a week for 52 weeks. But, other things came up and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would. We moved, you started a new school, I had other projects, etc. But finally, I’m starting my last entry in September, nine months after I’d planned. Which is the perfect intro to this one.
Time is funny like that. It marches on like a metronome, indifferent to how much you wish it would slow down or speed up. It offers no do-overs, no matter how frivolously you spend it. And it gives zero fucks what you planned to accomplish in the time you had. Once that time is over, you’ll get no more. But, it also stretches out ahead of you into an unknown future, offering untold possibility and infinite choices.
Which is why I hope you both learn to make choices about how you spend your time and understand what those choices mean. Because while there’s never enough time for everything, there’s still enough time to do almost anything.