I’m going to write about entitlement and privilege. As in, how much I don’t want you to go through life feeling like the world owes you something (a.k.a. being entitled) and how much I want you to realize the advantages you’re born with (a.k.a. privilege.)
Let’s start with the short list of people who owe you something; it starts with me and ends with your Mom. We brought you into the world, so by my estimation, we owe you about eighteen years of food, shelter, clothing, love, and instruction on how to be a successful and productive adult. It certainly doesn’t mean that’s all you’ll get from us, but that’s the bare minimum of what someone owes you. Beyond that, nobody owes you a thing.
Woof, Dad. That’s harsh. What about the rest of the family?
Well yeah, lots of other people care about you, love you, and would do anything for you. Your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, your cousins, and lots of our friends would look out for you, and provide for you if they needed to. But they’re doing it out of kindness, the goodness of their hearts, and their love for us and you. They don’t owe you that.
Why am I telling you this? Because I don’t want you to go through life with a sense of entitlement, believing that anybody owes you something. Because, at the risk of sounding harsh, nobody owes you shit.
And the proper response when someone who owes you nothing (this includes almost everyone) gives you something is simple: gratitude. For more on this, hop over and read why you should never delay gratitude. But you’ve got a great start on this habit and I beam with pride every time you say “thank you” to the people who care for you in the Children’s Center at the gym, to man at the deli who gives you a free slice of cheese, or to anyone who gives you a sticker. I hope you keep it up.
Your Mom and I were both very lucky to have parents who cared about us, provided for us, helped us get ready to be successful, functioning adults. We were fortunate enough to get way more than what they owed us. Lots of people aren’t that lucky, and we both understand that. We hope to give you the same opportunities, and your mother works very hard to make that a reality. Her success means I can stay home to care for you, and there are many people in the world who simply can’t do that. And that means you are very lucky. Privileged, even.
It’s not a bad thing, I don’t want you to feel guilty about it, but it’s a real thing and I want you to understand it. Look, I too grew up privileged. By virtue of my father’s hard work and success, I didn’t want, and my mom was able to stay home with me and my brother and sister. My parents also paid for my college education, giving me opportunities galore. They have always been there for me and for that, I’m incredibly grateful and lucky. Your Mom and I plan and hope to do the same for you.
That (and being born in one of the wealthiest and most powerful nations on Earth) is one kind of privilege. But your (and my) privilege goes beyond that. Like you, I’m a white male, which comes with a whole other set of advantages.
First, being white means we don’t face many of the disadvantages people of color struggle with every day. Our ancestors weren’t brought to this country on slave ships, and our parents and grandparents didn’t have to struggle against a system of laws designed to disadvantage us. We are given the benefit of the doubt in most situations. And while we will discuss how you should interact with and deal with police officers, it won’t be like these conversations of black parents teaching their children how to deal with police, which are frankly heartbreaking and very hard to watch.
Not only are you not disadvantaged, your skin color carries advantages people of color don’t have. Peggy Mcintosh wrote about her experiences with White Privilege and went so far as to list 26 of the daily examples of white privilege in her life. It’s worth reading. It can be hard to reconcile, and if you believe our country is an absolute meritocracy, this kind of thinking will be hard to digest. But I think it’s important.
After being born white, being born male also comes with its own set of benefits. Barry Deutch wrote the “The Male Privilege Checklist, An Unabashed Imitation of an Article by Peggy McIntosh,” which is also worth reading. A few of the advantages he identifies include being paid more than women for the same work, being less likely to be sexually harassed, sexually assaulted, or seen as overly emotional because of our sex. Again, if you think our society solved sexism in the 70’s, this can be hard to reconcile. But I think it’s also important.
Lots of people will tell you there’s no such think as white privilege, or male privilege, and that these concepts are complete bullshit. “Let’s just treat everybody the same,” they say. “I don’t see color, or gender, or sexual orientation,” they say. The thing is, assuming your reality is the norm for other people is a privilege, and also a bit myopic. Empathy is doing the opposite of that, understanding what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference. Seeing the world and your actions from other people’s perspective is hard, but I think it matters. I’ve written how much I want you to be empathetic. It’s a good way to try to not be a dick. It’s also a good way to be kind. I so hope you are kind.
Now for the harder part. If you believe me that these privileges are real, what’s a white male to do?
First, don’t be sexist. Don’t be racist. Don’t be shitty to other people because they’re different than what feels “normal” to you. Don’t be a bigot, don’t make fun of disabled people for being disabled, and don’t be a dick about someone using different pronouns than you expected. Of course not, Dad. What kind of asshole would do that? Plenty of them.
Beyond that, it gets harder, because there aren’t easy answers.
I think your first responsibility is to understand and recognize the advantages you have. Tim Wise offers a great insight in Obliviousness is the Most Destructive Privilege of All when he writes, “Fact is, systems of inequality, which involve advantages and disadvantages as two sides of the same coin, are all harmful to the cause of a fair and just society...Rather than engaging in discussions about degrees of pain and unearned advantage, I find that the most productive way to engage privilege is to examine the one that links them all...It’s the privilege of obliviousness — the privilege of not having to know other people’s reality and lived experiences.”
In that case, the first step is recognizing and understanding your privilege. Which isn’t to say you should mansplain white privilege to women who aren’t white. And for fuck’s sake, don’t be one of those who brags about hitting a triple when you were born on third base. Yes, you should still try to get to home plate, but realize that you started on third while others might begin their at-bats with two strikes.
The next step is using your privilege when you’re in a position of power to advocate for people who don’t have the advantages you do. This article by Dolly Chugh about using your everyday privilege offers some good suggestions and examples for how to help in a work environment, “We can ask questions, raise issues, and add perspectives that are not organically emerging in discussions at work. We can introduce data, invite people into conversations, and create buzz around ideas. We can amplify the views of people not being heard at meetings, and bring back conversations when someone is interrupted. We can give credit for people’s work and spread the word about their talent. We can notice when bias is playing out around us, and name it when it happens.”
There are many ways you can use your privilege in your daily life to help those without it, and plenty I’m sure I haven’t mentioned or even considered. It’s not easy, but being kind to other people and trying to understand how they see the world isn’t always an easy thing to do. It takes effort, consideration, and courage.
I hope this kind of empathy and concern for others is something you aspire to, and that you want to live in a society that’s truly fair and just for everyone. It matters to me, and it matters to your Mom. The question you have to answer is how much it matters to you.
I love you,
Dad
I originally planned to finish this series in twelve months, intending to write one entry a week for 52 weeks. But, other things came up and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would. We moved, you started a new school, I had other projects, etc. But finally, I’m starting my last entry in September, nine months after I’d planned. Which is the perfect intro to this one.
Time is funny like that. It marches on like a metronome, indifferent to how much you wish it would slow down or speed up. It offers no do-overs, no matter how frivolously you spend it. And it gives zero fucks what you planned to accomplish in the time you had. Once that time is over, you’ll get no more. But, it also stretches out ahead of you into an unknown future, offering untold possibility and infinite choices.
Which is why I hope you both learn to make choices about how you spend your time and understand what those choices mean. Because while there’s never enough time for everything, there’s still enough time to do almost anything.