It’s easy to see other people categorically as good or bad, right or wrong, friends or enemies. That would be a mistake, but it’s a mistake plenty of people make every day. I’d rather you look a little deeper and see the duality inside everyone. That’s because most people aren’t either one thing or the other; we’re one thing and the other, almost always some of both. Your best friends will be kind and cruel. Your parents are good and bad. The people you can’t stand are generous and selfish. Sure, we can trend to one side or the other, but in the end, there’s a little bit of both sides in everyone.
This can be hard to understand; your brain wants to use associative thinking to categorize and classify everything, people included. It’s one of the shortcuts our brain uses to help us process our world, and while necessary to function, it does us and those we lump together a disservice. You’ll need intention and a second look to undo those snap judgements, but it’s worth the effort.
But how, Dad? How can you and Mom be good and bad? What about my best friends, how can they be generous and selfish? And don’t some people suck? What about them?
Yes, I said that, several times. Let me take this opportunity to rephrase: Some people mostly suck. These people often make bad choices and do bad things. But, even the suckiest of the suckers usually have a little good inside. Usually. There are still a few I wonder about. Either way, it’s not on you to go dig it out, and it’s not your job to make them into better people.
Rather, stay open to seeing some good in everyone, even those who mostly suck. Realize that one, or even a series of failures doesn’t make someone a bad person. It’s okay to guard yourself around these people and look out for your own interests. To do otherwise would be myopic, shortsighted, and dumb.
Don’t loan your tools to the neighbor who frequently breaks their own. Don’t leave money lying around if your sticky-fingered friend is coming over, and you don’t have to let someone in front of you in line just because they’re ill-tempered and impatient.
That said, a little kindness goes a long way, and even people you expect the least of will surprise you from time to time.
On the flip side, even the people you love and respect are going to occasionally suck. In that spirit, here’s a story about anger, kindness, being shitty, forgiveness, and a time when your Dad definitely sucked.
Your Mom and I went to the ACC Championship game a couple weeks ago to see Wake Forest play against Pitt. We sat in the Wake Forest section but had a Pitt fan a few rows down from us. Much to your Mom’s chagrin, I got into it with the Pitt fan in the first half. As the two teams went back and forth, we talked trash and were shitty to each other. Half in good fun and half in malicious dislike. I was a little drunk and a lot loud. At halftime your Mom reminded me about being a good sport and asked me nicely to be less of a shitheel.
So, I bought this fan a bag of peanuts, made conversation at halftime, and apologized for my shitheeliness. Which was good and did not suck.
The second half started and went badly for Wake. As Pitt scored over and over, the Pitt fan kept needling me, and I lost my temper. Like, really lost my temper. I’d had too many beers and I acted the fool. I got in this fans face. I was sure he was the worst person in the world, and I 100% hated him.
I hated him all the way back to the hotel, and even the next day. I also hated myself because I knew I had sucked. It wasn’t the behavior I want to model for you, and I was embarrassed and ashamed.
After a few days I sat down with my therapist to talk through it. In that conversation I told him initially, if I’d seen that Pitt fan out and about on Sunday, I’d have given him the finger. But after processing it for a few days, I’d decided he probably deserved an apology, that even if he was pushing my buttons, I had forgiven him.
“Have you forgiven yourself?” my therapist asked.
“What?”
“You made a mistake. You had a bad day, lost control and made a mistake. You deserve your own forgiveness, certainly as much as a stranger does.”
And I did, which was good. I also committed (to myself) to working on getting less angry when my sports teams lose and doing some daily meditation work around processing anger.
But, in that story I was both good and bad. I was kind and cruel. I was a prince of peanuts and a shitbag of sportsmanship.
That’s an example of “everyone makes mistakes,” and I hope it turns out to be a story that proves we can all change and grow, no matter how old we are. But, the duality that’s in me, my capability to be both sides of the spectrum exists in everyone.
Most people don’t fit neatly in an either/or box; they’re not all good or all bad, they’re not all right or all wrong, and they’re rarely all friend or all enemy. The best people can do bad things, and even the most self-centered pricks can surprise you, rise to the occasion, and do something wonderful.
How then, can you prepare yourself for these moments, and how am I suggesting you think about the actions of others?
Be careful with categorizing other people. Just because someone is unkind once, don’t assume they’re an unkind person. And just because someone is generous and helpful today, don’t take for granted that they’ll always be that way in the future. To quote Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass:
Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
We all contain multitudes.
Okay, then what?
I wrote this not to make you look for the worst in others, but to encourage you to forgive and find the good. Yes, you can always find a flaw, but more importantly, you can also find a light inside anyone. When the people you love make mistakes, do bad things, and are shitheels, realize they’re human, and every bit as fallible as you. Forgive them their fuckups today and learn to forgive your own fuckups tomorrow.
But also realize that you only see part of anyone, even the people you think you know the best. Your tool-breaking neighbor might have an anger problem, your sticky-fingered friend might be deep in debt, and the ill-tempered and the impatient woman behind you might be late to pick up her daughter at school. You never know. We’re all imperfect, we all fall down, and we all deserve grace and forgiveness.
As hard as it can be, try to forgive as many of other people’s failings as you can, because someday soon, you’ll need forgiveness from someone else.
I love you,
Dad
I originally planned to finish this series in twelve months, intending to write one entry a week for 52 weeks. But, other things came up and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would. We moved, you started a new school, I had other projects, etc. But finally, I’m starting my last entry in September, nine months after I’d planned. Which is the perfect intro to this one.
Time is funny like that. It marches on like a metronome, indifferent to how much you wish it would slow down or speed up. It offers no do-overs, no matter how frivolously you spend it. And it gives zero fucks what you planned to accomplish in the time you had. Once that time is over, you’ll get no more. But, it also stretches out ahead of you into an unknown future, offering untold possibility and infinite choices.
Which is why I hope you both learn to make choices about how you spend your time and understand what those choices mean. Because while there’s never enough time for everything, there’s still enough time to do almost anything.